Hello there. Thank you for visiting my blog! This is my first post and I want to tell you about me a little bit. I have been depressed for more than 15 years – sometimes better and sometimes worse. I discontinued my medication nine months ago, as I felt I was ready to cope with my mental difficulty without help of medication. Since then, as expected, I more often experience downswings including today. This morning I had to catch a six o’clock flight and got up unusually early — a killer. I felt weak and was occupied by the feeling of failing in my job, but I had the energy to pick up $5 NY Times weekend edition. In the first page, I spotted an article about anonymous blogging by creditcard debtors (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/18/us/18debt.html) who attempt to get out of their debts by facing and frankly describing their realities. I thought the same method might help me to feel better about myself.
Once I set up my own blog space and began writing my first entry, I realized a strange coincidence between me and creditcard debtors. They hugely owe their creditors; I also hugely owe not a creditor but “the world.” I often feel that my friends and lucks are helping me too much relative to what I really deserve and there is no way I will be able to return their favors. For instance, one of my most miserable times was just before getting married. My friends threw a surprising party and gave me a surprise gift. It was so nice and kind of them. Nevertheless, such a kindness made me feel down; I felt guilty because was not worthy of their times and efforts. I wanted to disappear from the world to escape from this guilt.
The burden of owing is recently getting heavier and heavier. I am teaching at a university on a probationary appointment. Many colleagues have been helping me so that my appointment will be permanent, but I am afraid I will not be able to make it due to my poor teaching and research records.
Well, this is it for today. Thank you for reading.
Every Moment 